Friday, May 01, 2009

Wine, Whine, and Woes

Ok, well I’m back to blogging but I’d really hoped to kick-start my reaffirmation of my existence in the blogosphere by sharing in all the wonderful happenings that have been occurring in my life. Unfortunately that would be a work of supreme fiction, the likes of which I am sadly unable to pull off right now. Instead I’ll tell you about what’s really been going on. This is one of those moments where truth is definitely not more interesting than fiction. Feel free to nod off accordingly. I’ve added a Beep feature to this blog that will wake you if you drool on your keyboard.


April and I,

Most of you know that April and I have separated. I’ve been torn about writing about it on here for a variety of reasons, the largest among those being that her friendship is still of paramount import to me and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that. That brings up yet another perplexity that has increasingly left me with a tight feeling in my chest. This emotional indigestion if you will, I fully attribute to the realm of social networking… I’ll try to be brief while I attempt to remedy your look of confusion. And I should say up front that I speak (however improperly at time) only for myself in these thoughts.

April and I broke up at the end of December. There were no gory details, no battles of immense proportion, no tossing to and fro of fragile objects in the general vicinity of me or my appendages, etc. I shared four wonderful years with a great woman, one of the best I have ever known. I hope she feels about the same, but she has to speak for herself in her own words on the matter.  In the end I think we both loved each other too much to see the other one hurt. Neither of us was hurting yet, but it felt to both of us like we were… spinning our wheels, so to speak. We weren’t proceeding towards the path that both of us wanted for our lives and we saw no easy way to find that path together. Tearfully, but in agreement, we chose to pursue our paths independently and to do as friends.

Has that worked? I feel comfortable answering that in the affirmative. It’s probably been hard at times for both of us. For example, I accidentally said “Ok, talk to ya later, love you” out of pure habit last week when she called to update me about her day. I stuttered and stammered so much trying to apologize that she burst into laughter. That’s one of the signs that things are ok and my friend is firmly there. I miss being what I truly consider best friends, but I have hope that too will one day return with her. Time and experience will tell. The moral of this story is; April is happy with her life and I’m happy with mine and we’re happy being friends, even if I am over-reactive from time to time.

Now, to continue on to my rant about social networking. For those of you who don’t understand social networking, let me put it into real simple perspective. April and I, and our friends, use Twitter. We also use Facebook. From time to time we might even use MySpace. These are all networks that share with your friends what you might be doing at the time. For example if I say “going to dinner with friends” April will see it on her facebook if her and I are “friends” on that network, which we are.  The positive side of social networking is that I get to glimpse into the lives of friends and former colleagues on a daily basis, keep in touch with them, see photos of their families, etc.

It gets interesting in my circumstance, and I hope I’m not talking out of turn by saying this, but I’ve got to do it sometime, so it might as well be now. April and I have been friends now, with no attachments laid on each other by the other, for exactly five months today. Hmm. Just thought about that.. happy 5/6 of 1/2 non-anniversary anniversary! (Some of you are doing math right now aren’t you?) Stop it. It’s not germane to the discussion at hand.

The point I’m making is this; not once in five months has either of us mentioned in either of our social networks. “Hey, got a hot date” or “met an awesome guy/girl/whatever.”  For those of you who have met her, April is a beautiful woman, so I find it hard to believe that she’s not had a date in five months. In fact, I’m pretty sure the line was long on day 3 for guys who wanted an opportunity to swoon the pretty lady from Williamston with the southern accent. I’m not talking out of turn here.. I did, right?  So, I can only assume she’s not posted that kind of information because she’s trying to be considerate of my feelings, which is earnestly appreciated for the most part.

I’ve been doing the same thing myself these last few months. It was about two months before I went out on what I’d call a date, and I had a great one. I’d have loved to come home and maybe blog about, Facebook it, what have you. I didn’t do any of those things because I felt like I might have been rubbing April’s face in the fact that I had a date with someone and she might have felt like it meant I got over her too easily. For the remaining two months since that time, I’ve consciously not posted certain things on my social network sites or here on my blog(s) for the same reason. The truth is, and I really hope I’m right when I say this, I don’t think April gives a hoot who I’m dating, that is to say no more than any other friend who cares about my well-being would care.  In fact, it might even be a relief to that part of an ex’s mind that might be dreading the “ex-boyfriend-who-says-he-only-wants-to-be-friends-when-he-really-wants-to-get-back-together” scenario.

This came to light in my mind like a logic bomb last night. Without sharing information that’s  none of anyone’s business, she had a really bad day, just a really really bad day. She called me and I took flight without even thinking about it, wanting to be there for my friend and concerned for her. She did the only thing she could think of in that situation. She said “No, you can’t come. I’ve already got someone coming over to help me.” In my mind I heard “You can’t. My boyfriend is coming over and you can’t come cause a scene you dummy. My day sucks enough as it is!”  And truthfully, I think that was the case. I had to realize for a moment that she has someone in her life important enough to her to fulfill that role, and that like so many other roles,  the need to be her protector is going to have to be something I put away, unless she asks me to do so. I’ll rush to the aid of any friend, that’s not in question, but I shouldn’t assume I have the right to anymore in this particular case.

I only mention all of this because I want to make the point that we’ve both been going through our lives these last few months and going to great lengths not to post anything online or say anything to anyone that might get back to the other in a manner that would be less than flattering.

So, for almost two months now I’ve been asking myself “How do you tell your ex, who you’re still friends with, that you’re dating someone?” I’ve wanted to call her but what in the world do you say? “Hi, I’m dating someone.” You either get:

  1. Umm. OK. Why do I care?  - This means you’ve overestimated your importance to this person and they really don’t give a hill of beans who you’re dating.
  2. OHMYGOD YOU ASS! – This means you didn’t wait long enough and you were right in waiting in the first place and should have continued waiting.
  3. Wow. Really? You’re happy? That’s Great! (with sincerity) – This is the rarest of the possibilities and only exists when two people really are happier off apart, are great friends, Or when one of them is from the planet quark in the bulaboo galaxy and hasn’t ever been informed that the proper response is either 1 or 2 above.

Further, on top of all this, we both share the group of friends known as the “Scoobs.” Though it does seem April got primary custody of Marion and I got Joe… wtf man? What gives? I bet she bought Tupperware to seal the deal…

Sharing a group of friends like ours is ridiculous, but wonderful. When we were dating, we were both the information gateway for the gang. They’re either calling her or me all the time telling us what’s going on. Well, guess what? They’re still doing that, except now they’re going it to us about us. lol.  It’s all in the form of good-natured gossip but the point still remains that both of us know what the other is doing almost all the time. So, again, why do we put ourselves through the stress of keeping things private in an effort to afford the other some… something… dignity? pride? I don’t know exactly, but it’s retarded and ultimately counter-productive.

I’ve even considered writing her and just saying “Hi. I’m dating someone.” I can’t do it. Not that this two-page diarama isn’t proof enough that I can indeed articulate thought, but I’m just incapable of articulating those thoughts in a manner I would find acceptable to someone who is your ex, which is probably the same reason she hasn’t done so.

Further, and I’ll start speaking only for myself, because I have no reason to feel qualified to express her opinions for her, I have decided to stop it and just be me. April knows I’m dating someone. If she’s going to be my friend, then she’ll be happy for me, just as I will for her. Having said that, I think she is happy for me if I’m happy, and I am indeed. I want nothing more for her than for her to find someone who can make her as happy as she is capable of making them. We have had some awesome memories together, traveled the world together, laughed, cried, and lived through the good and bad together. I will forever cherish those memories, tell them to friends, and exaggerate them from time to time. I hope she does the same, and I feel certain she will.

I’ve got to end this part of it somewhere and I can find no natural segway, so I’m stopping this part by saying “CUT!”



  1. This is a very good, sensitive blog. You have expressed your feelings truthfully and with loads of respect for April, who, I might say is one of the greatest women I have ever known. I hope you can continue to be friends - they are our greatest asset. I miss talking to her and hope she will stay in touch with me. After reading this, I can truthfully say: "I did, indeed, raise two gentlemen". Both, you and Ray are very sensitive when it comes to the feelings of the women that are your friends, whether it be "girlfriends" or just "friends". I love you. Mom

  2. Tommy, You're the sweetest guy on the face of the earth. My best to you on this new chapter in your life.


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