Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Tech Support Pricing

I used to have this printed in my office but I lost it years ago. While going through my blog author's web sites this morning I found it again on TeaFaery's site so I just HAD to repost it again. Thanks Jenn!


Tech Support Pricing Structure:
Regular Prices for Technical Support/System Administration:

  • Calling me with a question $10
  • Calling me with a stupid question $20
  • Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate $30
  • Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description $1000+punitive damages
  • Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once $100
  • If you interrupt me while I was reading news $25/hr
  • If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem $45/hr
  • If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now $50/hr
  • If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on $70/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday $75/hr
  • If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix $85/hr
  • Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone $1500.00 (This one happens about once a month. Drives me nuts!)
  • Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. $1700.00
  • Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home $500.00
  • Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do $150.00 ( I really really hate this one!)
  • Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do $300.00 (This one happens about once a week... which means I spend twice the amount of time on the repair than would have been necessary if you'd just brought it to me in the first place.)
  • Not telling all of your co-workers about it $850.00
  • Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive $50.00
  • BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive $250.00
  • Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad $25.00
  • Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees $35.00
  • Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers $50.00
  • Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge $35.00 (This has already happened twice this month. I think people assume ink just comes in the machine and never runs out.)
  • Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button $250.00
  • Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on $200.00
  • Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the network cable back in $375.00
  • Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation $400
  • Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in $50
  • Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there $10
  • Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server $500
  • Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger $25
  • Changing memory partitions without informing me first $50
  • Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first $100
  • Technical support for the above programs $150/hr
  • Spilling coke on keyboard $25 plus cost of keyboard
  • Spilling coke on monitor $50 plus cost of monitor
  • Spilling coke on CPU $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
  • Leaving files on desktop $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed (This should really be a law in the computing world. People who do this usually can't clean their house either... I've noticed the correlation. The deskop is NOT WHERE YOU STORE FILES!!!! AGH!)
  • Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy
  • Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine $200 (Ooh.. weekend warriors. I get to the machine and find that they've installed ten different freeware cleaning programs, none of which work. Here's a hint: If the program were worth a damn... it wouldn't be free! Do you actually believe there are benevolent computer programmers who like to make software for free? )
  • Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus $25
  • Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets $50
  • Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me; to do!" $40 (This happens at least once a week. The last time I fixed this the girl told me she thought there must be a virus on the PC. When I get there, there i a HUGE nag box warning of the exact virus infections on the PC. I click the "repair" button and she looks at me like I'm the idiot.... I asked her why she didn't press the "repair" button herself. She told me "I never read those popup things because I can't understand them.")
  • Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." $35 (including discount for polite apology) (Happens daily)
  • Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software $25 (These are the friend's who just downloaded the hacked version of [insert program name here] and who now want me to fix their hack because they didn't want to pay for the program. These are the same customers who usually think i want to work on their PC for free too.... wth?)
  • Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests $45 (This one is only trumped by the friends who say "I want to borrow your legal copy because my hack copy broke... ummm.. NO. I paid $350.00 for it and so can you...)
  • Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line $55
  • Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
  • Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points $15
  • If I wrote the sign $45
  • If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door $75
  • Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem $25.00
  • Reporting it more than once $50.00
  • Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem $200.00
  • Special Rates:Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help $100.00/hour (I'm resisting the urge to call people by name on this one....)
  • Dealing with computer hobbyists $125.00/hour
  • Questioning the other prices ........... $50

I hope you got a laugh out of it. Welcome to one day in the life of a computer support technician!


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