Reinforcing my anti-mac theology:
And it's humor... so no flaming the blog with Mac-support comments telling me I'm PC-biased... cause there's no arguing that's true.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Tech Support Pricing
I used to have this printed in my office but I lost it years ago. While going through my blog author's web sites this morning I found it again on TeaFaery's site so I just HAD to repost it again. Thanks Jenn!
Tech Support Pricing Structure:
Regular Prices for Technical Support/System Administration:
- Calling me with a question $10
- Calling me with a stupid question $20
- Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate $30
- Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate problem description $1000+punitive damages
- Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once $100
- If you interrupt me while I was reading news $25/hr
- If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody else's problem $45/hr
- If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now $50/hr
- If you've come to ask me why something isn't working that I'm currently working on $70/hr
- If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday $75/hr
- If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but never did fix $85/hr
- Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving immediately after hanging up the phone $1500.00 (This one happens about once a month. Drives me nuts!)
- Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. $1700.00
- Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning it's your personal machine at home $500.00
- Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do $150.00 ( I really really hate this one!)
- Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you not to do $300.00 (This one happens about once a week... which means I spend twice the amount of time on the repair than would have been necessary if you'd just brought it to me in the first place.)
- Not telling all of your co-workers about it $850.00
- Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive $50.00
- BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive $250.00
- Fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad $25.00
- Fixing your "broken" optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees $35.00
- Fixing a "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers $50.00
- Fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge $35.00 (This has already happened twice this month. I think people assume ink just comes in the machine and never runs out.)
- Fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button $250.00
- Fixing the "crashed" system by turning the external disk back on $200.00
- Fixing the "hung" system by plugging the network cable back in $375.00
- Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord someone accidentally yanked out on Friday afternoon when the 'real' sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation $400
- Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the monitor lead back in $50
- Explaining that you can't log in to some server because you don't have an account there $10
- Explaining that you don't have an account on the machine you used to have an account on because you used it to try to break into the above server $500
- Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger $25
- Changing memory partitions without informing me first $50
- Installing programs without informing me /getting permission first $100
- Technical support for the above programs $150/hr
- Spilling coke on keyboard $25 plus cost of keyboard
- Spilling coke on monitor $50 plus cost of monitor
- Spilling coke on CPU $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
- Leaving files on desktop $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left unclaimed (This should really be a law in the computing world. People who do this usually can't clean their house either... I've noticed the correlation. The deskop is NOT WHERE YOU STORE FILES!!!! AGH!)
- Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve $50 plus cost of sleeve plus cost of therapy
- Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix a brand new machine $200 (Ooh.. weekend warriors. I get to the machine and find that they've installed ten different freeware cleaning programs, none of which work. Here's a hint: If the program were worth a damn... it wouldn't be free! Do you actually believe there are benevolent computer programmers who like to make software for free? )
- Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus $25
- Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC streets $50
- Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you say... "So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was telling me; to do!" $40 (This happens at least once a week. The last time I fixed this the girl told me she thought there must be a virus on the PC. When I get there, there i a HUGE nag box warning of the exact virus infections on the PC. I click the "repair" button and she looks at me like I'm the idiot.... I asked her why she didn't press the "repair" button herself. She told me "I never read those popup things because I can't understand them.")
- Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." $35 (including discount for polite apology) (Happens daily)
- Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software $25 (These are the friend's who just downloaded the hacked version of [insert program name here] and who now want me to fix their hack because they didn't want to pay for the program. These are the same customers who usually think i want to work on their PC for free too.... wth?)
- Dealing with "How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated software]? Mine just died." requests $45 (This one is only trumped by the friends who say "I want to borrow your legal copy because my hack copy broke... ummm.. NO. I paid $350.00 for it and so can you...)
- Having to use the "We're really not the best people to talk to about that; why don't you try calling the number on the box in which you bought it?" line $55
- Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to get the hint in the previous response $95 (includes instructions for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)
- Having to point out anything that's on the wall in a typeface larger than 18 points $15
- If I wrote the sign $45
- If it's in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor facing the door $75
- Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem $25.00
- Reporting it more than once $50.00
- Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech support's inability to solve problem $200.00
- Special Rates:Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but still calls every other day for help $100.00/hour (I'm resisting the urge to call people by name on this one....)
- Dealing with computer hobbyists $125.00/hour
- Questioning the other prices ........... $50
I hope you got a laugh out of it. Welcome to one day in the life of a computer support technician!
Friday, May 02, 2008
Why Won't My Dell Computer Work?
I'm going to share something with the computing world at large that might shock you. Nine times out of ten, you (yes you, the owner of your computer) can prevent common computer problems by simply cleaning your computer! People clean everything else in their lives; car, house, clothes, desk, furniture, upholstery, our bodies, etc. Why do we not feel it necessary to keep our computers clean? I had a customer today (who shall remain nameless to protect the identity of the embarrassed) who called me to evaluate the problem with her computer. I drove 20 miles, charged her a trip charge, and now will have to charge her the repair cost, to fix an issue that could simply have been prevented by utilizing common skills we all employ on a daily basis.
I arrive on-site to examine the following problem, artfully depicted for you in this dramatic re-enactment of the actual events:
Customer: "It's been working fine right there for 6 years. One day it just quit working and now it won't boot up."
Me: " Yes Ma'am. Do you mind if I have a look at it?"
(while saying this, the actor motions as if to crawl under the desk to inspect the hardware)
Customer: "Oh, yeah. Sure."
(Actor crawls under desk and begins to visually inspect the computer. Moments later, the actor crawls back out with an aghast expression on his face.)
Me: "I think I know what your problem is Ma'am. Your computer's power supply is fried."
Customer: "Are you sure? What would cause that?"
Me: (while carefully maintaining a concerned expression of professionalism and trying not to gag on the dust I just inhaled from peering behind that PC) "Ma'am, I'm pretty sure it's related to the large amount of dust clogging every possible air-flow entry into your PC. How about I take it back to the shop and clean it up a little bit? Then I'll call you with the estimate for repair."
Customer "Ok. That'll be fine. Thanks" (Customer now disappears into a black-hole, back into a world where dust and dirt are invisible to humans and never cause any problems.)
Seriously folks, this is an issue that doesn't require rocket science.
Take a moment to look at the PC below. Keep in mind this is AFTER driving back 20 miles with a 60 mph wind blowing through the cab of the truck to clean some of this mess out. I only got the picture when I put it on the bench to work on it, at which time it's less than 50% as dirty as it was when I picked it up. (Which reminds me that now I have to clean my truck.. grr)
Now, THIS is not what a computer should look like. Let's go over the basic instructions for cleaning your PC.
- Unplug all the cables in the back of your PC. (Relax.. most every really important cable in your PC will only fit back into one slot, so it's not like you're going to get confused putting it back together.)
- Take the computer outside, to your garage, wherever you can that you won't blow dust all over your house.
- If you are looking at the Front of your computer, then simply unscrew the screws on the BACK right side. Some computers will have push-buttons that make this easier.
- Slide the left panel back with your hand. Your computer may vary, but it's either back, down, up, whatever. It's the ONLY direction the panel will slide in... push it that way until it pops off in your hand.
- Holding a can of compressed air UPRIGHT, blow all the crap off your computer... if you have air left in the can, you're not done! It's a $3.00 can of air so don't be frugal ok?
(If you turn the can upside down and get that cool white looking frosty stuff, stop. It means you're blowing compressed nitrogen gas on your computer parts and you're literally cryo-freezing your computer. Stop doing that. No, really. Stop it. Ok... go play with the can for a few minutes.. you know you want to freeze something. I can never resist the urge to turn it upside down and play with something either... go get it out of your system before you continue cleaning the computer. Be careful. These new cans of air have an agent called Bittergent, designed to make your kids stop huffing air. Yes, your kids WILL do this at one time or another. This stuff makes it taste so nasty that they won't ever do it again but it leaves a nasty residue of boric acid on your hands and surfaces so be sure to wash your hands before you eat or play with your food... Although, really, if you can clean all this crap out of your computer and then not wash your hands before eating, then cleaning your computer is the least of your problems.) - Pay special attention to any fans you have and clean them well. These fans have very weak motors since they're only designed to move air inside your case. The actual weight of the dust on the blades can be enough to make the fan balance get messed up, kind of like when your ceiling fan rattles when it's off balance. That extra strain on the fan motor can wear out the fan. No fan = no cooling for your pc = pc overheats = you wind up paying guys like me a lot of money to clean it and then repair it, which this article exists to avoid in the first place.
- Reverse steps 4-1. Put the panel back on, put screws back in (if you have them), and plug it back in.
- Enjoy your clean pc for another month or three.
- Three months later, come back to this page and follow all these instructions once again. (By the way, if you're already here for the second time... Hi! Thanks for returning!)
Cost Benefit Analysis:
Let's compare apples to apples here:
Option 1: Be a Lazy Slob
Computer Guy's Travel Charge to Get to you (minimum $25.00)
Hourly rate for fixing your PC: $65.00
Replacement Power Supply for your Computer: $35.00
Lost time (about 3 days): Variable, depending on the value of your aggravation and wasted time.
Total Price: $125.00+
Option 2: Be Proactive
Compressed Air: $3.00
Not having anyone ever ever ever see the horrible shape your computer was in = Priceless!
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